Pure Michigan Time: Welcome to Suntember

Michigan, drastic times call for bold action.

I’ve been observing this phenomenon called “fall¹” in Michigan with fresh² eyes, and some things are clearly out of alignment.

Up here, after Labor Day, Michiganders are resigned to storing away their boats and shorts, looking forlorn at the sky for the first flakes of snow, or the last whisps of Canadian wildfire. School begins anew. Football returns.

But the timing is all off.

The weather is still warm and bright. Yet here we are, trying to wrap summer up in flannel and drown it in pumpkin spice lattes.

Fall? Hardly.

Fall in September is a charade. A farce. A shared illusion.

We’re near the end of the month now, and save for a few fake fall days early in the month, temperatures have held in the 70s and 80s³, right along with the humidity.

It’s time to act.

Usher in the Era of Lucky 13

Michigan, we’re adding a 13th month.

If Arizona and Indiana can ignore time changes, if large bodies of international water can suddenly be named after the United States without warning, there’s nothing saying Michigan must have only 12 months.

And the best part? We’re going to give ourselves an entire extra month of summer.

That’s right. You think Michigan is cold and cloudy? No longer.

We will have one more month of summer than anyone. The largest, longest, and brightest summer anyone has ever seen.

Here’s how it will work:

Each Michigan month will have 28 days, except for our new month, which will have 29 days⁴. This new month, which will sit between August and September, will be called Suntember, the Michigan extension of summer.

I snapped a rod on my abacus figuring this out⁵, but here’s what the new Michigan calendar will look like vs. the foolhardy, stale Gregorian calendar:

Labor Day, the unofficial start to fall, still happens the first Monday in September, but because it’s later, it will feel much more like real fall than the sham we currently have in place.

There are so many advantages here. Young ladies will no longer have to sweat their way through those early-season IG shoots in Uggs and fluffy sweaters. Michigan gets a clear calling card — more summer than any other state — and we get to annoy banks and bureaucrats by celebrating all major holidays on our time. Pure Michigan time.

There’s nothing stopping us.

Holidays are federal? Federal-schmederal. Haven’t you noticed there are no rules anymore? Who says Michigan needs to spent September sweating through a cosplay fake fall just to go along with the other 49 states?

Michiganders, let’s give ourselves the gift of more summer. Throw open the beaches. Throttle up the boats. Sip another Oberon.

Put a mitten-shaped stamp on the calendar. Let’s tell the world we have more summer available than anyone. Call your state representative today and demand Suntember.⁶

1. Or, the more sophisticated “leaf blower season,” if you prefer.

2. As fresh as eyes can be at 51, peering through progressive lenses.

3. The temperature difference between morning and mid-day is larger than the Big Ten-MAC point spreads we see in September.

4. And, for the love of God, when we need a leap year day, we will never ever extend February. We are a civilized state, not a bunch of barbarians. Instead, we’ll hold a referendum and Michigan voters will choose which summer month gets an extra day.

5. Actually I had ChatGPT do it. No one likes math.

6. Please do not tell them I sent you.